Where's the Unity in the Body?

If Paul wrote his first letter to the Corinthians today, this is what I envision it might go like...

Dear Body of Christ,

I appeal to you, brothers and sisters, in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ, that all of you agree with one another so there may be no denominations among you and that you may be perfectly united in mind and thought. My brother and sisters, some from Chloe's household have informed me that there are quarrels among you. What I mean is this: One of you says, "I follow Calvin"; another, "I follow Luther"; another, "I like how Steve from United Church preaches", still another, " I just follow Christ".

I Christ divided! Was Paul crucified for you? Were you baptized into the name of Steve United Church? I am thankful that I did not baptize any of you except Crispus and Gaius, so no one can say that you were baptized into my name.