WIthin the past few weeks I have been struggling with life in general. I have been doubting, angry, fighting, hating others, and I've been using violent passive aggressive tactics with friends. I have been told I am not good enough in various direct and indirect ways. I am a terrible son and brother.
Many of nights recently I have lied in bed wandering if I am really following christ.
If I am following christ would not I be different than I was a month, a year, or a week ago? Would not God answer my prayers, subdue my doubts, and heal holes in me from past relationships?
The question that remains is what does God require of us?
What has comforted me through this interesting time is the truth that God does not require or demand change or growth. Those things, growth, change, and transformation are in God's hands and for as hard as I try to "be like I feel God wants me to be" I will fail.
God shows us that he works on his divine timetable, that we can not alter with our anxiousness or our worries. (Resurrection of Lazarus, Healing of Jairus' Daughter, Moses Exodus, etc.)
I also know that it is truth that to come to God we need not change, but only come humbly in our brokenness and sinfulness before God in the hope that we might know God more. I think that might be it: God wants us to be intimate with him and for him to get to know us and for us to get to God. To attempt, try, to claw at, to work at, to pursue relentlessly our creator in the hopes that we might KNOW God more.
Then and only then in our Humility, Brokenness, and Pusural of God will we find life as it was meant to be. And who knows maybe we will Change, Grow, and Transform and maybe we wont. Maybe tomorrow I will be healed permanently of past relationships maybe I will be on my death bad praying for God to heal me. Doesn't matter as long as I come under the shadow of God each day and each moment in Humility and Brokenness hoping to know the creator of the cosmos all the way down to the color of my eyes more.